The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
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WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.