The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
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THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
they finally got him. they got macavity
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.