The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
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*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Feels like the fourth month in January
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
✌🏽
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.