The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
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Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.