Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
WARDEN: You have been sentenced to the Electric Cher
ME: in the what now
*a metallic voice sings out: ?? ??? ??????? ?? ???? ????? ????*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.