@kelkulus

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

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@LibelousLurker

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

@bIondiewasabi

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

@ClichedOut

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

@LaTreiHinton

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

@TweetPotato314

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

@ThisOneSayz

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

@TuSoonShakur

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

@yerpalmildsauce

WARDEN: You have been sentenced to the Electric Cher
ME: in the what now
*a metallic voice sings out: ?? ??? ??????? ?? ???? ????? ????*

@J_Illunninati

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.