The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”