The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
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She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
superman landing like a plane on his belly
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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