I put the h in mysterious.
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*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
based al yankovic
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.