The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

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[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here


A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.


My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.


People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?


My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.


I keep the clumps of hair from my shower drain as pets.

Don’t make it weird.


Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.


Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.


Husband: Where’d my stick go?


I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.