The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
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Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
uh oh
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place