@CArmanthegirl

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

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@offbeatoliv

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

@LostFelicia

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

@jacanamommy

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

@Ignorant_Indian

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

@dshack8

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

@hunbothered

I keep the clumps of hair from my shower drain as pets.

Don’t make it weird.

@AddledPixie

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

@mommajessiec

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

@daddysdigest

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

@KrunkedRobot

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.