@Token_Geezer

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

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@QwertyJones3

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

@W0nderW0manW0w

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

@AngelaEhh

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

@mxmclain

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

@Trisarahjtops

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

@ManiacallySound

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.

@batkaren

JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs?
MARY: Just stuff ’em in the Lazy Susan.
SUSAN: Hey, I’m right here! (*remains seated*)

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

@Hobo_Splendido

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

@_thatigirl

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”