[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.
JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs?
MARY: Just stuff ’em in the Lazy Susan.
SUSAN: Hey, I’m right here! (*remains seated*)
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”