The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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How can I say no to this ?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.