The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
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“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”