My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
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ME: Do you want children?
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Go ahead, post and claim my tweets as your own. Maybe later, if you like, I’ll come satisfy your woman and you can take credit for that too.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”