The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

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[Gas Station]

CASHIER: okay, 2 slim jims, a bag of skittles, a car air freshener, an Archie comic, and a minion doll, that’ll be $17.62

ME: great, do u gift wrap? gotta get these under the tree before the wife wakes up


You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.


[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true


I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.


I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.


All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.


If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.