@TheAlexNevil

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

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@sonictyrant

[Gas Station]

CASHIER: okay, 2 slim jims, a bag of skittles, a car air freshener, an Archie comic, and a minion doll, that’ll be $17.62

ME: great, do u gift wrap? gotta get these under the tree before the wife wakes up

@TheAndrewNadeau

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

@vineyille

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

@HatfieldAnne

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

@TheTweetOfGod

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

@mybigblondelife

If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.