Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
You Might Also Like
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21