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The main reason I got married is that I really hate driving..
Fatherhood Tip : If there’s puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you’re holding the baby upside down.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Mad Max: Flurry Road
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE