The answer I didn’t know I was looking for

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If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.


My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.


As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.


Me: Aww, look at that little puppy on tv. Isn’t he the cutest?!

Dog: The hell, Man?? Right here!


I won’t undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.


(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams


I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes


waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)


Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.