@k_burrns

The answer I didn’t know I was looking for

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@TeaPainUSA

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

@Tbone7219

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

@miffedmim

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Aww, look at that little puppy on tv. Isn’t he the cutest?!

Dog: The hell, Man?? Right here!

@Dawn_M_

I won’t undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.

@buy_2_hams

*Evanescence*
(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams
(SAAAAVE ME)

@AlishaRai

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

@suecorvette

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

@jwoodham

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.