if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
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Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth