The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

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I like the way baseball players pick up each other’s bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.


Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts


Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here


Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.


[day 1 of covid homeschooling]

me: alright, it says we have to do some-

8yo: *bursts into tears*


[my 1st day as a doctor] I can’t find a pulse
[patient] that’s a trashcan. I’m over here
[me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying


CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.


Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.


I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!


Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!