The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
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No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy