The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
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Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig