@summerbruise69

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

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@ThePocketJustin

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

@WineMummy

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

@JohnHilsen

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

@iwearaonesie

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

@GonzoVice

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

@AndyAsAdjective

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

@TheAlexP

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.