@summerbruise69: the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called "Don't Go To Work, They Can't Fire All of Us" and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a "meme"
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@SeanINCypress: Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.
@ohen39: [having girl over] me: I work from home her: I thought u were a wildlife photographer *loud lion noises from bedroom* me: ignore that
@Contwixt: WIFE: let's get a rhododendron ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks WIFE: it's not a dinosaur ME: What is it? WIFE: it's hard to describe without a thesaurus ME: I said no dinosaurs
@zebrasyndicate: Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore. Me: Got it. [Later] Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I- Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.