the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
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Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]