The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
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inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Employees must applaud the planets.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.