@erikbransteen

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

You Might Also Like

@DanMentos

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

@flashember

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

@iscoff

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

@CliffDuffy

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

@ElodiaHugesfxh

“You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can’t you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”

@Hadzilla

HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

@Marlebean

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

@ibid78

Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.

@AntoKenya

My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.