The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
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Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
A roof is a house hat.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN