If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
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ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden