Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
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I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
my favorite genre of twitter
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs