The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
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Danger is very dangerous
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
In banana years, I am bread.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.