judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
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We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.