The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
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THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.