@gobmentcheese

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

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@AaronFullerton

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

@TheToddWilliams

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

@Marlebean

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

@markhoppus

MY WIFE HAS, AFTER A 14 MONTH LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT I TOOK THE LAST LA CROIX FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR AFTER HER WORKOUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED “MARK DON’T DRINK THIS YOU IDIOT.”

@KentWGraham

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

@pauleggleston

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

@SlabBaconBP

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

@thenatewolf

EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all.

*I place a very small bell on the cat’s collar*

EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You’re ruining it!!!

@BradBroaddus

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.