@gobmentcheese

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

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@SteveKoehler22

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

@SpicyGinger69

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

@jenstatsky

Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I’d like to steal from a bank.

@aksorojas

I’m reading an article entitled “Top 20 Must Visit Places Before You Die” and I’m disappointed cos there is no mention of the word hospital.

@KamaroPayne

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

@HenpeckedHal

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

@pleatedjeans

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

@joshingstern

I’ll bet Vampire Kiddies enjoy scabs as much as human Kids love pudding skin

@matt___nelson

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”