The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

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Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows


Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.


A bird in the hand is worth nothing and is probably giving you duck AIDS. Put it back.


if chickens exchanged goods and services for a fixed price it would be called chicken tenders have a great day


[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
her: really?
me: -to leave
her: what?
me: no dogs allowed to leave
her: but-
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now


If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.


[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes


Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.


Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.