Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing and is probably giving you duck AIDS. Put it back.
My spirit animal is a tapeworm.
if chickens exchanged goods and services for a fixed price it would be called chicken tenders have a great day
[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
me: -to leave
me: no dogs allowed to leave
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.