My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..
We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I’d like to steal from a bank.
I’m reading an article entitled “Top 20 Must Visit Places Before You Die” and I’m disappointed cos there is no mention of the word hospital.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[spiders pour into room]
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I’ll bet Vampire Kiddies enjoy scabs as much as human Kids love pudding skin
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”