If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
MY WIFE HAS, AFTER A 14 MONTH LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT I TOOK THE LAST LA CROIX FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR AFTER HER WORKOUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED “MARK DON’T DRINK THIS YOU IDIOT.”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all.
*I place a very small bell on the cat’s collar*
EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You’re ruining it!!!
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.