The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
best first i’ve ever seen
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.