The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
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Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”