The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
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Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
*me flirting
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I’m not stressed
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.