@OW_Divine

The average American eats 46 slices of Pizza per year
So I guess you could say that I’m above average.

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@StevieKnip

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

@TheToddWilliams

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

@PhilJamesson

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

@HeyJohnDuke

“First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell

@notalogin

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

@suzieQ0007

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

@envydatropic

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

@vancitybarbie

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

@E_lok44

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.