@OW_Divine

The average American eats 46 slices of Pizza per year
So I guess you could say that I’m above average.

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@thejessbess

I’m no scientist, but I don’t think it’s possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.

@Daveastated

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

@BuckyIsotope

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

@ericonederful

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

@brandonleecool

Muslim: I do not eat bacon.

Jew: I do not eat bacon.

Me: I will have their bacon.

@captainkalvis

Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over

Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah

@Gooooats

“I’m a feminist,” he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.

@o__0Dev

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

@Blarebare

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.