The average American eats 46 slices of Pizza per year
So I guess you could say that I’m above average.

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I’m no scientist, but I don’t think it’s possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.


You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!


Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
And fromage


My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.


Muslim: I do not eat bacon.

Jew: I do not eat bacon.

Me: I will have their bacon.


Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over

Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah


“I’m a feminist,” he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.


Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.


My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.