*pretends floor is lava*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
The average American eats 46 slices of Pizza per year
So I guess you could say that I’m above average.
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ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
“First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell
Wife: You’re shirtless?
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.