Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Finally, an explanation.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.