The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
You Might Also Like
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
You know…for fall…
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.