The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
motivation
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
PLOT TWIST:
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder