Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
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2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.