the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
You Might Also Like
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
all bases covered
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16