the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

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if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him


ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe


Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed


A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.


Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.


BARNES: “What if it wasn’t just empty cabinets?”
NOBLE: “Let’s sell books!”
AND: “This is why we make such a great team.”


Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”


I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.


My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?


i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert