@JermHimselfish

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

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@PetrickSara

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

@UncleDuke1969

*climbs into windowless van*

*puts on “Free Hugs” t-shirt*

*heads out to make new friends*

*fails*

*waits for lawyer in windowless room*

@eddie_ferrero

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

@patnspankme

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

@jerryRenek

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

@skin_and_i

Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight

@PaperWash

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

@90spideypool

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me: