The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

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Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.


*climbs into windowless van*

*puts on “Free Hugs” t-shirt*

*heads out to make new friends*


*waits for lawyer in windowless room*


pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert


When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.


Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.


Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight


Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.


when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”