The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
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Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!