Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
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Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Food gives you energy to nap more.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car