The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
good work, detective
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.