Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
There is no “we” in pizza
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg