Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
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her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
wtf is an acronym
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*