Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
You Might Also Like
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist