The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
asking santa clause for nudes
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
This meal prepping shit easy
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.