The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Sing it!
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]