@geowizzacist
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
@Sassafrantz
The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.
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@geowizzacist
@viciousbabydoll
This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.
@FloodyHippie
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
@WilliamAder
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
@SequelsWeWant
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
@AdderallMomma
Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.
@nPhelendriqal
I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don’t really wanna hear about your ‘summer’ house.
@bylinetd
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
@TheNewsAtGlenn
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
@DaddyJew
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out