@Sassafrantz

The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.

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@tuckerflodman

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

@N0vAsko

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

@NotOnTheMoors

You could’ve cut the atmosphere with a knife; disapproval radiated from every doorway. I’d missed cat feeding time by two hours.

@HomeWithPeanut

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

@MaraWilson

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

@aotakeo

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

@shkeeber

I can’t diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt.