[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING