The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.

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*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?


Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor


Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.


You could’ve cut the atmosphere with a knife; disapproval radiated from every doorway. I’d missed cat feeding time by two hours.


Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.


I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer


[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”


wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino


I can’t diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt.