@Sassafrantz

The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.

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@viciousbabydoll

This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.

@FloodyHippie

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

@WilliamAder

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

@SequelsWeWant

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

@AdderallMomma

Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.

@nPhelendriqal

I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don’t really wanna hear about your ‘summer’ house.

@bylinetd

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

@DaddyJew

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out