The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
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today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
based al yankovic
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo