The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
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I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES