The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
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If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*limbos away from your hug*
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”