The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

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Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?




M: Gravy?


How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist


AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car


[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo


Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.


Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe


spraypainting “CHEATER” on my car to make it look like im sexually active



“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”


[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”


the 12 ft tall home depot skeleton has become a folk hero for all of us who are dead inside but still celebrating the passage of time stubbornly, defiantly, courageously