The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
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If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.